Kasumi's Epic Quest!
by Lord Starfish
Summary: A girl's father is kidnapped by inanimate objects who really have no business being able to kidnap anything or anyone, and she embarks on an epic quest to save him. Hijinks ensue. Warning: Might contain references to and cameos from everything ever.
1. 1 - The Epic Quest Begins :D

**CHAPTER 1**

_The Epic Quest Begins :D_

AN: This might seem like an exceptionally random story with no common sense whatsoever, but bear with me here, this will all make sense in the end. Or, y'know, don't. Your choice, really.

* * *

The sun rose on another completely ordinary morning for young Kasumi. She got out of bed, got dressed, braided her hair and almost fell into a magma-pool because a hole in the ground leading into the earth's core had opened in her floor overnight. She pulled a carpenter out of her bag that holds everything and asked him to fix it.

She then went into the kitchen and had a completely ordinary breakfast consisting of three helpings of roasted ice cream and some coffee-flavored orange-juice. Then she left the house to go to school.

Her two best friends, Kiyoshi and Steve? were waiting for her outside.

"'sup guys?" she said.

"Not much," Kiyoshi said. "My mom was wondering if you could spare a TV for us though. Our old one exploded last week."

"Sure thing," Kasumi said and pulled a 50-inch 1080p TV out of her bag and gave it to Kiyoshi.

"I found five diamonds yesterday!" Steve? said excitedly.

"Really? That's awesome!" Kasumi said.

"So what about you?" Steve? asked.

"Not much… Dad didn't come home yesterday though, so I'm kinda wondering where he's been," Kasumi said. "Ah well, you all know how he is. Comes and goes as he pleases… It's nothing too unusual."

They continued chatting as they walked towards the school, until suddenly the entire population of the town came running straight over the three friends. This would normally have been a cause for alarm as getting trampled by every man, woman and child in an entire city might be somewhat lethal, but thankfully Kasumi was able to pull some band-aids out of her bag, and put one each on Kiyoshi, Steve? and herself, so they were completely fine.

"What's all the commotion about?" she said as she saw the entire population of the city running into the town square.

"Let's go check," Kiyoshi said.

* * *

When they reached the town square, they saw that everyone was staring at the giant TV-screen hanging on the town hall. There was a news-report being shown.

"Breaking news: We have just confirmed that our mayor has been kidnapped by an evil clan of books. The book-clan has given the following demands," the news-lady said, as Kasumi and her friends looked at each other in dread.

"Oh no! The mayor's your dad, right?!" Steve? said.

"Why yes. Yes he is. Why ever would you feel the need to ask that question, it's not like his status as the mayor has changed at all in the past two years," Kasumi responded.

On the TV-screen, the image changed to a video of the evil clan of books. The book-leader spoke up and said "Citizens of Boardville! We have your mayor, and if you want him back, you have to pay us one hundred zillion dollars!" The book then pointed to Kasumi's father who was chained up against the wall.

A citizen said, "You know that zillion isn't actually a number, right?"

The book then flipped through its own pages till it reached a page containing a picture of a basilisk staring straight at the reader. It then shoved said page right up against the camera and the citizen saw the picture and died because that is what happens if you look a basilisk in the eyes, boys and girls!

The rest of the city were smart enough to look away though.

"So as I was saying, hand over one hundred zillion dollars or you will never see your mayor again!"

The broadcast then went back to the news-studio.

"Oh no, this is terrible, what are we going to do!" Steve? said. "Even Kasumi's bag that holds everything can't possibly provide us with one hundred zillion dollars!"

"Yeah, there's a limit to how unreasonable you can be," Kiyoshi said. "At least if they'd asked for like a hundred quattuordecillion dollars or something, then we might have been able to solve this peacefully, but we can't give them a sum that doesn't exist."

"Well, I see only one solution to this problem," Kasumi said, and pulled out a map that showed where the books were holding her father captive from her bag. "I'm gonna go rescue him!"

She then ran off on her own to rescue her dad. Two minutes later she decided that going it alone would be boring and so she pulled Kiyoshi and Steve? out of her bag.

"Why am I not surprised," Kiyoshi said in a completely deadpan voice. "You know you could have just asked us to come along two minutes ago.

"Yeah well I didn't think that far," Kasumi said. "So do either of you guys have any weapons?"

"Well I have my bow," Kiyoshi said, and Kasumi pulled his bow out of her bag and gave it to him.

"And I have those diamonds I found yesterday, I guess I could craft them into a diamond sword," Steve? said, and Kasumi pulled the five diamonds out of her bag.

"Alright then, now that we are all armed and ready to go… LET'S GO SAVE DAD!" Kasumi shouted and ran off again.

And so it was, that the three set off on their epic quest to rescue Kasumi's father the mayor. On their journey, they would encounter many trials and tribulations, but with their brains, bravery, Kasumi's magic bag, Kiyoshi's bow and Steve?'s blade of diamonds and possibly some other things starting with B, they were sure they would be able to overcome them.

* * *

The first trial they encountered on their first night, for Steve? insisted that they take shelter for the night lest they be blown up by Creepers, but all the carpenters Kasumi had pulled out of her bag were either asleep, exhausted from a long day's work or didn't speak English and a few of them were ponies. So clearly building shelter would not be an option.

"So, what else can we do to avoid those Creepers?" Kasumi asked.

"Well they're deathly afraid of cats," Steve? helpfully informed her.

"Well why didn't you say so sooner?" Kasumi said and pulled a cat out of the bag. And so they were safe from Creepers and the first trial was overcome. Incidentally, she named the cat "Cat". She's not all that creative I'm afraid.

* * *

Kasumi, Kiyoshi, Steve? and Cat's epic quest continued with little incident for the next three days, until they stumbled upon a mountain with a gate, guarded by an adorable little white rabbit.

"D'awww, what an adorable little bunny!" Steve? said.

"Don't get too close! That's the Killer Rabbit. It might look adorable but it is a bloodthirsty beast!" Kasumi said, applying her Flawless Logic(TM).

"Meow," Cat boasted and walked over to the Killer Rabbit regardless and was promptly annihilated by the Rabbit's laser-breath. Also it was night so then they were immediately surrounded by fifteen Creepers.

"That'ssssssssssssss a nice bag that holds everything you got there… Be a shame if something were to happen to it…" one of the Creepers said menacingly to Kasumi, who proceeded to pull out a rubber-band from her bag, because that was her weapon of choice.

"Alright, there's nothing else for it now! We have to fight off both the Creepers and the Killer Rabbit!" she declared, and shot her rubber-band at one of the Creepers. The Creeper then exploded violently, leaving behind a mushroom cloud.

Kiyoshi drew an arrow from his quiver and started firing at the Creepers as well, but the ones he hit died in a much less spectacular fashion.

"Hey, how come my Creepers die in a much less spectacular fashion?!" he said angrily.

"Because rubber bands are way more effective than arrows when it comes to Creeper-fighting. Duh," Kasumi said, applying her Flawless Logic(TM) once again.

Steve? also killed some Creepers with his diamond sword, but while cutting down one he failed to notice that there was a second Creeper standing behind it. The Creeper ignited and blew Steve? up.

"STEVE?! NOOOOO!" Kiyoshi screamed.

"Oh, don't worry, he'll just respawn back in his bed," Kasumi said with even more Flawless Logic(TM). "He'll soon be back."

And so they continued shooting the Creepers until there were none left, and then they turned their attention to the Killer Rabbit. Kasumi fired a rubber-band at it but to her horror, it did nothing.

"Damn it! The Killer Rabbit is immune to my rubber-bands! I should have known… Only the Holy Handgrenade can kill the Killer Rabbit," she said, once again applying her Flawless Logic(TM).

"Uh-huh…" Kiyoshi said and shot the Killer Rabbit with an arrow. Proving Kasumi's Flawless Logic(TM) right, the rabbit did not die.

"Told you so," Kasumi said and pulled the Holy Handgrenade out of her bag, removing the Holy Pin and counting to three before throwing it at the Killer Rabbit and blowing it to bits in God's mercy.

"The battle is won… But at great cost," she said gravely.

"Yeah… Poor Steve?," Kiyoshi said.

"What, Steve? Didn't I tell you he'd just respawn? Actually it's a pain waiting for him to come back so…" Kasumi said and pulled Steve? out of her bag again.

"I figured you'd do that," Steve? said.

"But no, I mean that we lost Cat!" Kasumi said and started sobbing over the loss of her dear friend.

"Never has there been a more loyal companion… His or her name shall go down in legend, and I shall raise a memorial for him or her right here," She continued and pulled a grand memorial with a life-size statue of Cat out of her bag.

Steve? put a flower bouquet in front of the statue, before praying that Cat's soul find peace in the afterlife.

Kiyoshi didn't care because seriously, they'd only known that cat for three days. Also it bit him that one time which he was still bitter about.

"However, we must press onwards despite the loss of our dear companion. It is what Cat would have wanted us to do!" Kasumi said, and opened the gate into the mountain, with no idea of what awaited them within…


	2. 2 - Adventure Under the Earth :O

**CHAPTER 2**

_Adventure Under the Earth! :O_

* * *

"It sure is dark in here," Kiyoshi said.

"Don't worry, let me just grab a torch from my bag," Kasumi said and reached into her bag… but she did not get anything out of it.

Kasumi proceeded to scream über-loudly and said "Oh no! My bag doesn't work in here! Specifically in here. It would work perfectly fine if we _weren't_ under this specific mountain though."

"Then why don't you just go outside, take out a torch there and then come back inside?" Kiyoshi stupidly asked. "I mean, clearly stuff that you pulled out of your bag doesn't just vanish in here. If it did, me and Steve? would be back home now."

"I can't do that! The door has been shut! Touch that door, and you'll be simultaneously electrocuted, fatally poisoned, burned and turned into a sock!" Kasumi said using her Flawless Logic(TM).

"Uh-huh…" Kiyoshi said and walked over to the door and tried to open it. Then, just as Kasumi had reasonably pointed out, he got electrocuted, poisoned, burned and then transformed into a sock. Thankfully socks are immune to poison so he didn't die.

"Told you so," Kasumi said and picked up the Kiyoshi-sock, and put him into her now completely ordinary bag.

"Uh…" Steve? said.

"What is it?" Kasumi asked.

"I did bring a bunch of sticks and coal. I could always make some torches," he said.

"Oh nice, why didn't you say so earlier?" Kasumi said as Steve? crafted three stacks of torches.

* * *

Kasumi and Steve? wandered through the cave, with Steve? helpfully illuminating the place with his torches. Before long, they came to a chasm too wide for them to jump across.

"Curses, if only this cave was a little blockier I could mine out the stone to make a bridge," Steve? said. Sadly his pickaxe did not work on smooth, non-cubic surfaces and so he was at a loss as to how they could get across. Kasumi was also at a loss because she still couldn't use her bag.

"This is not good… We have to get out from under the mountain so that I can get out an antidote for Kiyoshi! He may have been de-poisoned by getting turned into a sock, but he's still got some really bad burns," Kasumi said, looking at the heavily charred Kiyoshi-sock.

"…" said the Kiyoshi-sock, which was "I hate you," in Sockish.

"Wait! I have a brilliant idea!" Kasumi said. "Let's throw Kiyoshi over to the other side of the chasm and have him look for a way to get us over!"

"…" said the Kiyoshi-sock, which was "How do you expect me to do anything there? I'M A SOCK," in Sockish.

"Oh, nonsense, you might be a sock but you can still move around!" Kasumi said with Flawless Logic(TM).

"…" said the Kiyoshi-sock but since I already told you what that means four lines ago clearly I don't need to repeat myself.

And so Kasumi threw the Kiyoshi-sock over the chasm and he started crawling around like a worm until he accidentally stumbled across a button labeled "BRIDGE". He pushed it and a bridge appeared, allowing Kasumi and Steve? to cross.

* * *

Later the trio were resting up because they had been walking non-stop for so long.

"So Kasumi, your dad… Didn't he use to live in some other country?" Steve? asked.

"Yeah. He told me he wasn't exactly the nicest guy around there so people didn't like him very much, but a friend of his eventually convinced him to turn over a new leaf," Kasumi said.

"…" said the Kiyoshi-sock, which was "I can imagine. That guy is _weird_… So what was that other country he used to live in anyway?" in Sockish.

"Uh, I don't quite remember… Something starting with E. It was pretty far away though, that much I remember," Kasumi said.

"And then he moved to Boardville and became the mayor through completely conventional and legal and not-at-all questionable means before marrying your conveniently absent mother and the rest is history," said Steve?, providing bunch of extra background-info that was completely unnecessary to our heroes as they all knew this stuff, but Kasumi had previously said with Flawless Logic(TM) that if they ever got into such a conversation as this they had to give as much background-detail as possible.

And then some random shit appeared. By which I mean a gigantic poop-monster showed up in front of them.

"Oh noes, it's a random shit!" Kasumi said. "Steve?! You have to fight off the random shit!"

"Why me?" Steve? asked.

"Because Kiyoshi is a sock and I can't use my bag that holds everything so I have no rubber-bands. Duh," Kasumi said applying Completely Normal and Conventional Logic(TM).

"Oh," Steve? said and pulled out his diamond-sword and charged at the random shit.

Steve? then won easily because the random shit was pretty shit at fighting. Or actually it turned out that the random shit wasn't even planning to attack them at all and so that made Kasumi feel pretty shit about telling him to kill it.

"Sorry about that," Kasumi said to the random shit.

"Oh it's okay, most people try to kill me on sight anyway," the random shit said. "Anyway, shall I show you the way out of the mountain?"

"That would be nice," Kasumi said and then the random shit gestured for them to follow it down a stairway. Then they kept going deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and… you get the idea.

"…" said the Kiyoshi-sock, which was "Hey wait a minute, we want to get out to the surface! Why are you taking us downwards?!" in Sockish.

"This is a shortcut," said the random shit and then after going deeper some more, they found themselves in front of a big blocky portal.

"Wait, could this be…?!" Steve? said.

"This is a portal to the Minecraft-world. Go through here and you'll be able to travel much easier to the outside of the mountain and also your bag that holds everything will work again," the random shit said.

"Why, thank you random shit, you're so kind!" Kasumi said before giving the random shit a hug except then she immediately regretted it because seriously, she just hugged a poo.

* * *

Then they went through the portal and found themselves in the Minecraft-world where Kasumi promptly leapt into the nearest lake.

"…"said the Kiyoshi-sock, which was "Okay so now we're in the Minecraft-world your bag supposedly works again. Could you please put me back to normal now?" in Sockish.

"Oh, sorry," Kasumi said, and pulled a De-Sockifier and a band-aid out of her bag, putting Kiyoshi back to normal and healing his burns and electrocution.

"In fairness though I _did_ warn you this would happen," Kasumi said.

"I hate you," Kiyoshi said.

"You know, this is the first time you've been to my world, isn't it?" Steve? said.

"Yeah… It sure is… blocky," Kasumi said.

"Oh sure it would seem that way to you non-blockies, but to me, _your_ world is the one that seems bizarre and disorienting!" Steve? said.

"Why do you even attend school in the human world anyway?" Kiyoshi said.

"Well, do you see any houses or schools or stores or anything around here?" Steve? said, looking around at the massive desert they were standing in. There was but one small dirt-hut visible off in the distance, which they figured must be Steve?'s house.

"So, uh… How are we gonna get back to our world?" Kiyoshi asked.

"Well obviously we just have to build another portal that will take us back once we've travelled far enough that we'll no longer be under the mountain once we come out on the other side. Duh," Kasumi said and so they started walking towards the Minecraft-world equivalent of where the opposite end of the mountain would be. (Kasumi pulled a device out of her bag that showed where they would appear if they made a portal at any given location.)

* * *

Five hours later they were still walking and the sun had risen and set 15 times because Minecraft-days are very short and also they were still in the desert so they were kinda exhausted. Kasumi had taken some water-bottles and some sun-lotion out of her bag to keep them from being too miserable, but even then, the journey was starting to get somewhat taxing, especially with all the zombies and skeletons they had to fight every time the sun went down. (Kasumi had pulled out another cat and named it Cat #2 so they were safe from Creepers.)

"Ugh! This is agony!" Kiyoshi said. "Are we still under the mountain?"

"Hang on, let me check," Kasumi said and took another look at her 'Equivalent Location-Seeker'. "Yes, yes we are."

After a few minutes of just glaring at Kasumi with an expression that seemed to indicate that he felt a very strong urge to ditch her and go start a new life as a farmer in the Minecraft-world, Kiyoshi was struck by a case of Flawless Logic(TM).

"Hey, why don't you just pull some horses out of your bag and then we could ride through the desert to arrive faster?" he said.

"I suppose I could… But hey! Only _I_ am allowed to use Flawless Logic(TM)! Didn't you see the trademark-sign?!" Kasumi said. "You know what, I'm gonna let you go without making you pay royalties this time, but I demand an apology for infringing upon my trademarks!"

Kiyoshi cast her an "Are you fucking kidding me"-kind of look, but before he even got a chance to say anything, a blocky Minecraft-version of a Ringwraith from The Lord of the Rings swooped out of the sky and kidnapped Kasumi!

"Eeek it's a Minecraft-Ringwraith!" Kasumi screamed über-loudly, while being carried into the sky by the dragon-riding Ringwraith. Her bag that holds everything conveniently fell off her shoulder and landed on the sand-blocks in front of Kiyoshi and Steve?.

"What will we do?! Without Kasumi's Flawless Logic(TM) to guide us, how will we proceed?!" Steve? panicked.

Kiyoshi cast him the same "Are you fucking kidding me"-kind of look he cast Kasumi earlier, before pulling a stronger, faster, more accurate bow and arrows of light out of the bag. He then took aim at the Ringwraith, fired…

And missed.

"Damn it, if only there was a way for us to get _homing_ arrows of light instead!" Steve? said.

Then Kiyoshi, not even bothering with pointing out the stupidity of that sentence, pulled homing arrows of light out of the bag and fired those towards the Ringwraith. Sadly the Ringwraith's dragon could fly very fast and so an epic chase-scene ensued where the Ringwraith was flying around through the sky with the arrow in hot pursuit, desperately trying to shake it off.

It didn't work. The Ringwraith was hit by the arrow of light which kinda hurt and then he dropped Kasumi who was now falling from above the clouds. All thing considered her situation could have been better.

"We've gotta catch her!" said Kiyoshi and pulled a large safety-net out of the bag and stationed it at the point Kasumi seemed to be falling towards.

"NO! THAT WON'T WORK VERY WELL AT ALL!" Kasumi shouted as loudly as she could.

"WELL THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO?!" Kiyoshi shouted back equally loudly.

"PUT A SLIME-BLOCK DOWN INSTEAD! IT WILL COMPLETELY NEGATE ANY DAMAGE FROM THE FALL!" Kasumi further shouted with Flawless Logic(TM).

And so they did that and Kasumi hit the Slime-Block and bounced harmlessly into the air a few times until the momentum wore off and she was able to land on the ground without dying or suffering minor or major injuries.

"…So anyway. Horses," she said and pulled some horses out of her bag. Specifically two. Kiyoshi might have just saved her life but she was still annoyed that he stole her shtick _and_ borrowed her bag that holds everything without permission, the douchebag! So he would have to share a horse with Steve?.

"Oh come on, you mean saving your life wasn't enough to make up for that?" Kiyoshi said.

"No."

Flawless Logic(TM).


	3. 3 - The Breaking of the Fellowship D:

**CHAPTER 3**

_The Breaking of the Fellowship D:_

AN: So I got a review asking why this is listed as a My Little Pony fanfic when there has so far been no My Little Pony in it. Well suffice to say that while I haven't gotten to it yet, something from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic will play a very important role in this story before it ends. And also let me say, I never intended for this story to be all that long and I've already got most of it written out, so it shouldn't take too long... Actually this chapter already marks the halfway point. I wanted it to be short so as to ensure I would be able to even get to the end before running into a massive writers' block, which happened with the other fic I've got uploaded here... I still want to finish that one as well, but I just keep getting stuck whenever I try writing on it... To be honest though I would rather have just had this listed as a general crossover without specifying fandoms at all, but since the site didn't seem to accept that, I chose to list the two most important fandoms instead. Minecraft because of Steve?, and MLP because of that other thing I haven't gotten to yet. In the meantime though, here, have an uncredited appearance by Zecora. But this AN is getting way too long so ON WITH THE STORY.

* * *

The trio rode through the desert on their horses until finally, they saw on the Equivalent Location Seeker that they would emerge outside the mountain if they built a portal here. So Kasumi pulled the required blocks out of her bag and built a portal there. Unfortunately for them, just as they were about to pass through it, the sun set below the horizon and a bunch of zombies and skeletons and an Enderman spawned!

"Watch out, it's an Enderman!" Steve? said. "Whatever you do, don't look it in the eyes!"

Then Kasumi looked it in the eyes.

Then the Enderman went batshit and tried to brutally murder her. Kasumi pulled out her rubber bands and tried to strike the Enderman but to no vail. Kiyoshi also tried shooting it with his arrows but it just kept teleporting around and so the hits kept missing.

"Steve?! A little help here?" Kiyoshi said.

"But… If I attack it it'll start trying to brutally murder me too!" Steve? said and instead focused on single-handedly fighting off the zombies and skeletons, which he was really good at.

"Gah! Do you know of any weaknesses in this thing?!" Kasumi, who was fighting a losing battle against the Enderman's brutal murder attempts, said.

"Well they're deathly afraid of water," Steve? said.

"Well why didn't you say so sooner?" Kasumi said and spat at the Enderman who proceeded to lose all interest in Kasumi and her friends as it teleported away to escape the horrors of the water.

What? That's how Endermen work.

* * *

And so once Steve? had singlehandedly killed all the zombies and skeletons, our brave heroes stepped through the portal back into the normal world... where they promptly found the ground crumbling beneath their feet and they fell into a bottomless hole. Thankfully, as the hole was in fact bottomless rather than just continuing into the Earth's core or something, Kasumi had plenty of time to come up with a Flawless Logic (TM) plan to get them out of it. So she pulled Spider-Man out of her bag and had him grab on to them and swing them to safety with his web-shooting skillz. He carried them back out of the bottomless hole.

"Thanks Spider-Man," Kasumi said.

"You're… welcome, I guess, random girl whom I've never met?" Spider-Man said. "Anyway, I have to go help Batman."

"Batman? Why?" Kiyoshi said.

Then Batman came flying by in his Batmobile, followed by Iron Man who was flying around chasing him because Batman and Spider-Man had stolen his mask and he wanted it back so he was FIRING HIS LAZOR at them and one of them hit Cat #2 and so Kasumi pulled out a jetpack from her bag and flew up to Iron Man and kicked the ever-loving shit out of him for killing her loyal companion.

"Well I was going to help him fight Iron Man, but it seems I no longer need to," Spider-Man said. "Well I should still probably get back to New York. Rumor has it that like twelve different supervillains are wrecking the place at the same time right now," Then he swung off in the direction of New York.

One extremely emotional funeral for Cat #2 later, our heroes once again continued their quest.

* * *

"You know, it occurs to me…" Kiyoshi said. "You have a bag that holds everything. Why do we even need to go to the books' hideout and rescue your dad? Can't you just pull him out of the bag?"

"No," Kasumi said.

"Okay," Steve? said.

"…What, no explanation for why you can't?" Kiyoshi said.

"BECAUSE THAT WOULDN'T BE AS EXCITING," Kasumi loudly declared with Flawless Logic (TM).

"You're stupid," Kiyoshi said.

"No I'm not. I know how the world works far better than either of you do," Kasumi said with an enormous and most definitely not conceited at all smile.

* * *

So Kasumi, Steve?, Kiyoshi and Cat #3 continued continuing their quest, and after not long they came to a crossroad, where there was a sign hung up saying "← Hideout of the evil book-clan →"

"I see what they're playing at," Kiyoshi said. "They're trying to mislead us by pointing in two entirely opposite directions, hoping that we'll take the wrong one!"

"Nope. Both directions are equally true," Kasumi said.

"How."

"Well you see…" Kasumi began but then Kiyoshi interjected and said "Actually on second thought, don't. It's probably gonna be some completely preposterous nonsense statement again, isn't it?!"

Indifferent to Kiyoshi's complaint, Kasumi continued "Since the earth is round that means that whether we walk to the left or right here, eventually we would reach the hideout as my map shows it is located in the precise direction that the right arrow is pointing."

Kiyoshi was baffled. He actually followed that reasoning perfectly fine!

"So, we should go to the right then?"

"Oh no, the logical thing to do in this situation would be to continue straight forward," Kasumi said and Kiyoshi was once again baffled so order was restored in the universe.

"Why is that, Kasumi?" Steve? said curiously.

"Well it wouldn't be very interesting if our quest just ended now, would it? We gotta build up to the confrontation, each of us going through personal trials and overcoming our flaws and growing as people," Kasumi said with Flawless Logic (TM) and then they went forward and each went through a grand personal trial which they overcame and became better people in the span of ten minutes.

"…You just totally half-assed those personal trials, didn't you?" said a talking lampshade hanging by the wayside.

"What? We're totally better people now! I've overcome my inability to swim, Kiyoshi has come to terms with his homosexuality and Steve? has learned to play the drums!" Kasumi told the talking lampshade.

"Yeah, well nobody ever mentioned any of you struggling with those things so it's entirely moot," the talking lampshade said.

"Okay, FINE," Kasumi said. "Let's go go through more personal trials and grow as people in ways that other people will actually give a damn about!"

"Who are these 'other people'?" Kiyoshi said.

"Your mom," Kasumi maturely and intelligently informed him.

"…Remind me why we're friends again?" Kiyoshi said.

"Because I'm… cute?" Kasumi said, attempting to invoke Flawless Logic (TM) but she forgot that Kiyoshi now had a perfectly logical counter-argument!

"I'm gay."

And then to further denounce Kasumi's NON-Flawless Logic (TM) he punched her in the nose so that her face was all covered in blood and stuff so she really wasn't particularly cute at all.

"Well. Can't argue with that," Kasumi said. And that day, she learned that she couldn't always be right all the time. She could potentially be wrong roughly 0.0001% of the time. The rest of the time she was totally right though.

"That life-lesson still doesn't really change anything," the talking lampshade pointed out.

"Oh, shut up you," Kasumi said and sicced Cat #3 on the talking lampshade which ran away screaming.

And that day, the talking lampshade learned that one does not disagree with Kasumi because she is a very sore loser.

"Anyway so now that we have established that I have no reason to like you… I'm gonna ditch you now," Kiyoshi said and then he left.

Kasumi made sadface and then put a band-aid on her nose to stop looking all covered in blood and stuff. Then she and Steve? kept moving forward in the wrong direction to have more character-building trials.

* * *

In time, they reached a hut in a swamp. Kasumi knocked on the door.

"Who is it that goes there, and what business has brought you here?" a voice said.

"Uh, I'm Kasumi and this is my friend Steve?, and we are here on a quest to save my father from the evil books," Kasumi said.

"Your quest is honorable and grand… However, your methods I do not understand," the voice said.

Then the door opened and they saw that the owner of the voice was a talking zebra.

"What do you mean, Miss Talking Zebra?"

"You are walking the wrong way… Hard to save him like that, eh?" the talking zebra said.

"But… I have to go through grand personal trials to overcome and become a better person through them!" Kasumi said.

"But walking away from your goal as you are doing, will only lead to your father's undoing," the zebra said.

"You just rhymed "doing" with "doing"," Kasumi pointed out with Flawless Logic (TM) and thus the talking zebra's entire argument was invalid. And then she learned that one must never trust talking zebras.

"Truly this knowledge will serve me well in the future," Kasumi said. "Now come on Steve?, let's keep going."

And so they continued walking in the wrong direction in order to have more irrelevant adventures and then I got punched in the face for calling Kasumi's adventures irrelevant so never mind that, she is totally justified in going North when the books' castle is to her Southeast.


	4. 4 - Kasumi Becomes a Magical Girl :3

**CHAPTER 4**

_Kasumi Becomes a Magical Girl _／人◕‿‿◕人＼

AN: Sorry for the delay with this chapter... said the man who also has another fic on this site he hasn't updated in two years. I was having some minor writers' block and couldn't seem to come up with any perfectly logical events that could happen. Eventually the solution was... include an extended reference to my favorite anime! Perfect. In the meantime I went ahead and wrote out the climax of the story though, so I have basically finished writing the story now. I'll probably be spacing the release of said rest of the story out over the next couple of days though.

* * *

It had been two days since Kiyoshi ditched Kasumi and Steve?. He was currently spending the night in some random inn he'd come across on the way home. There, he was having a terrible nightmare.

Kasumi's father was standing in front of him, giving him a very mean look.

"Why didn't you help my daughter save me?!" Kasumi's father said.

Kiyoshi had no excuse and merely wet his pants imagining the horrible things Kasumi's father might do to him.

Then he woke up and found that thankfully the pants-wetting thing was just part of the dream and his pants were in fact still dry. However, the image of Kasumi's father obviously scheming some horrible punishment for abandoning his daughter stayed with Kiyoshi, and so it was not long before he realized he had to go back and help Kasumi see her journey through to the end.

And so he rode off on his trusted pet Gogoat that he bought at the nearest pet-store for 50 yen, back towards the place where he had parted ways with his friend and… whatever the hell Kasumi would qualify as.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kasumi and Steve? were walking through a forest made of candy-floss trees when suddenly Kasumi saw an adorable little cat-bunny-weasel-thingy sitting on the road staring right into her soul with the most adorably creepy expression in the history of ever.

"Oh hello adorable little cat-bunny-weasel-thingy sitting on the road staring right into my soul with the most adorably creepy expression in the history of ever, what are you doing here?" Kasumi said.

"Hello Miss Kasumi, I have come because I have a request to make of you," the adorable little cat-bunny-weasel-thingy said.

"What?" Kasumi said.

"My name is Kyubey and I want you to make a contract with me and become a magical girl," the adorable little cat-bunny-weasel-thingy whose name was apparently Kyubey said.

"Magical girl? You mean I get to, like, fly around on a broomstick and fight extremely saccharine non-threatening Saturday morning cartoon villains with my magical powers and stuff?" Kasumi said.

"…Not really," Kyubey said.

"Huh… Well then what does it entail?"

"Well you do still get to fly around on a broomstick and fight villains with your magical powers and stuff, but the villains you will be destined to fight will not be all that saccharine or non-threatening," Kyubey said.

"Darn. Well do I at least get to wear an adorable frilly and colorful outfit?"

"Sure."

"Yay!" Kasumi said happily. "Okay, so how do I do this thing?"

"Well I can grant you any one wish you want and that wish will shape your power and abilities as a magical girl," Kyubey said.

"Wow Kasumi, this is a great chance. You could wish that your dad was free or that the books were dead or something!" Steve? said in a rare moment of actual logical thinking.

"Huh? Nah that's way too easy," Kasumi said. "I wish… **_TO BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL MAGICAL GIRL IN THE HISTORY OF EVER WHO CAN DO EVERYTHING AND IS COMPLETELY IMMORTAL AND ALSO WILL NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TRANSFORM INTO THE VERY MONSTERS I'M SUPPOSED TO FIGHT AGAINST!_**" Kasumi declared.

"Darn. My plan is ruined," said Kyubey and everyone who has seen Puella Magi Madoka Magica will know exactly what I mean. And so Kasumi became a magical girl with absolutely none of the drawbacks of being a magical girl.

"Okay, so what do I have to do now?" Kasumi asked.

"Well you're supposed to fight against witches but…" Kyubey said and then Kasumi cast a spell that murdered every witch in the universe including but not limited to: Charlotte, Gertrud, Walpurgisnacht, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Bellatrix Lestrange, Kiki, the Witch of the Wastes, Galadriel, the witch who lived in the witch-hut Steve? found while exploring the Minecraft-world once, and Sabrina.

"Okay, what now?" Kasumi said but Kyubey had gone home to reflect about how Kasumi had just completely wrecked his entire system and if he could feel emotions he would be really angry about that.

"Huh, what a douchebag," Kasumi said and then she and Steve? continued on their merry way. But then unbeknownst to her, Kyubey had gone off in search of someone else to help him salvage his plans…

* * *

"Hey Sailor Pluto, would you like to make a contract with me and become a magical girl?"

"Uh, I kind of already am one…" Sailor Pluto said.

"Really? I don't see no Soul Gem," Kyubey reasonably pointed out. "Anyway there's this girl who went and became a magical girl who just breaks all the rules of causality and also completely screwed over my plan to extend the lifespan of the universe. Could you make a contract with me and wish to go back in time to before I made a contract with her and tell me how badly this will mess up my plans so that I won't even try?"

"Why would I need to make a contract to do that? I already have magical powers," Sailor Pluto said and then just travelled back in time _without_ the help of Kyubey's soul-stealing evil powers.

And so the majority of what has happened in this chapter was retconned out of existence and thus Kyubey's plans were once again in motion and his journey to steal people's souls so as to somehow extend the lifespan of the universe because of logic that I will admit is a little bullshit continued. And since all that has happened so far in this chapter was retconned, Kasumi had learned nothing.

"Gasp!" Kasumi said.

"What is it?" Steve? said.

"It's been over a day since I last learned an important life-lesson! Clearly the time of insightful character-development has passed! It is time for us to go confront the books and rescue my father!" Kasumi said with Flawless Logic(TM).

* * *

But enough about that, how's Kiyoshi doing?

Kiyoshi was riding along the road trying to catch up to his friends. He had so far made it about two hundred meters away from the pet-store because everyone kept challenging him to Pokémon battles and since he wasn't a very experienced trainer he kept losing and having to go back to the nearest Pokémon Center to heal his Gogoat. As a result, said Gogoat also wasn't terribly fond of him.

Lucky for him though, at that very moment, Batman came driving by chasing the Joker in his Batmobile while playing his own badass theme-song at full volume. Batman then spotted Kiyoshi and stopped the Batmobile.

"Hey. Need a ride?" Batman said.

"Uh… Well yes, that would be nice," Kiyoshi said and released the Gogoat who then ran off to pursue his lifelong dream of being a ballet-dancer. "I'm trying to get back to Kasumi and Steve? whom I casually ditched a few days ago.

"Okay," Batman said and started driving towards where they were, completely ignoring the Joker who then went on to do evil things unhindered by Batman.

"So why are you helping me anyway?" Kiyoshi said.

"Well it was the least thing I could do after you and your friends helped me defeat Iron Man earlier."

"Well, that was really only Kasumi and honestly she wasn't so much 'helping you' as she was just pissed off because Iron Man accidentally killed yet another cat of hers, but fair enough," Kiyoshi said.

Batman still let him ride though because he was nice that way.

* * *

Three epic confrontations with the Joker later, Kiyoshi and Batman caught up with Kasumi and Steve?, who were just finishing up their own epic battle with Lord Voldemort. They won.

"Kiyoshi! I'm so happy to see you," Kasumi said with the biggest happiest smile ever.

"I'm not," Kiyoshi said with the smallest least happy smile ever. Actually it was so small and not happy that I'm not sure I'd even call it a smile, more like, well his mouth was completely straight and so were his eyebrows and really if I didn't know any better I'd almost say he was looking kind of incredibly annoyed.

"I always knew you'd change your mind and come back to us," Steve? said.

"Yeah well if I didn't I'm sure Kasumi's dad would torture me or something," Kiyoshi said.

"Anyway! It is still another day's march to the books' castle! Let us keep moving!" Kasumi said and so they did.

Three minutes later they were there.

"Well that was fast," Kasumi said as she looked upon the building in front of them which was big, completely square-shaped, had no windows, looked decidedly cardboard-y, and it had a note stuck to it saying "THE EVIL BOOKS' CASTLE. KASUMI'S DAD IS LOCKED UP INSIDE!"

"Alright, let's go save your dad!" Steve? said enthusiastically and charged straight inside the castle which promptly collapsed the instant he opened the door.

* * *

Oh and there was a basilisk inside it which looked at him so he died. So that was kinda inconvenient.

Kasumi and Kiyoshi cleverly looked away though, before Kasumi pulled out a homing Anti-Basilisk-Missile from her bag and killed the basilisk with it. She then pulled Steve? out of her bag because she didn't know how far away he would be respawning.

"Well, the castle seems to have collapsed. Now, my dad has got to be here somewhere!" Kasumi said.

"…You do realize that this castle is a very obvious fake, right?" Kiyoshi said.

"Shush you, why'd you have to ruin the shocking plot-twist?!" Kasumi said with Flawless Logic(TM).

"Shocking plot-… WE'RE NOT IN A GODDAMN BOOK YOU KNOW!" Kiyoshi said.

"Silence. Your stupidity distracts me," Kasumi said reasonably and then pulled out her map.

"Oh no," she said. "The map shows that dad isn't here at all! The books tricked us!"

Kiyoshi, fearing that his IQ would drop by 50 if he tried to argue with Kasumi's bullshit again, opted to remain silent.

Steve? gasped loudly.

"Okay this is the final straw! We are going straight to those books' castle right now and we are going to murder them!" Kasumi declared before pulling a portal leading straight to the books' castle out of her bag.

Kiyoshi was dumbstruck by the overwhelming stupidity that this action revealed and could no longer remain silent. "THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU NOT DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND SPARE US ALL THIS BULLSHIT?!"

"Because I told you last chapter when we were in front of the signs. Sheesh, do you ever pay attention?" Kasumi said, repeating her Flawless Logic(TM) from early last chapter.

Kiyoshi reminded himself to move to another country as soon as this journey was over and never, ever get involved with Kasumi again. Then they walked through the portal and found themselves right in front of the books' castle. The time had come, at last, for the final confrontation with the books…


	5. 5 - Battle at the Books' Base B)

**CHAPTER 5**

_Battle at the Books' Base B)_

* * *

"At last we have arrived," Kasumi said dramatically. "All our trials and tribulations have been leading up to this moment."

"We have learned so much, and now it's time to put it all to the test," Steve? said.

"So how are we gonna go about this?" Kiyoshi said.

"Well first I'm gonna storm the entire base alone and then you two can come up after me at the end and pretend you were useful so my dad will give you some of the credit," Kasumi said.

"Riiiiiight… Why don't we just storm the base together, giving us a far better chance of success?" Kiyoshi said.

"Because that's nowhere near as _badass_," Kasumi explained with Flawless Logic (TM).

"Oh, I see!" Steve? said while Kiyoshi just opted to give her an "Are you fucking kidding me"-look.

"Right, anyway, if I'm gonna storm the base, I have to have some epic music backing me up!" Kasumi said and pulled the band Kalafina out of her bag. She then explained the situation to them and asked for some musical backing.

For some unfathomable reason, they were completely okay with being randomly pulled out of Japan into some strange fantasy-land and having to put on a spontaneous performance for this obviously crazy girl ("I heard that!" Kasumi said and shot a rubber band at me,) and so they started performing the song "Ongaku".

* * *

Kasumi ran straight in through the front door and found herself in a grand entrance hall. Books were storming at her from all sides, but this was of no concern, for she pulled out a RAPID RUBBER-BAND MACHINE-GUN and loaded it with rubber-bands before Matrix Lobby-scene-ing the hell out of the books. However, one of them managed to dodge the rubber-bands by hiding behind a pillar, and waited until Kasumi was out of ammo.

Then Kasumi was out of ammo and the book jumped back out from behind the pillar, flying straight at her, aiming to knock her out cold by hitting her really hard in the head.

It didn't work though, as Kasumi noticed it at the last second and pulled a pillow out of her bag to protect herself. Then, after the book had bounced harmlessly off the pillow, she grabbed the book and tore it to pieces with her bare hands! (It was a paperback, so it wasn't that robust.)

She then looked around the room carefully to see which door would be most likely to lead her to where her father was. Then she realized that beyond the fact that he was in this building somewhere, she had no idea precisely where he was! So she pulled out a three-dimensional Dad-Radar that indicated that he was somewhere above her. So she ran through the door labeled "Stairway to the second floor".

* * *

On the second floor, she found herself in yet another giant hall, where an entire army of Cybermen were waiting for her.

"Hah! Is that supposed to scare me?! I know full well that Cybermen are weak against gold!" she boasted and pulled out another Rapid Rubber-Band Machine-Gun that shot rubber-bands made of gold. However, unfortunately for her, these Cybermen had upgraded themselves to the point where they were immune to gold!

Kasumi screamed über-loudly because she didn't know what to do. Gold was the only weakness Cybermen had that she knew of, and now they turned out to be immune to it.

"YOU WILL BE UPGRADED," the Cybermen said in perfect unison as they were closing in on their poor helpless target. Then Kasumi had a brilliant idea.

She pulled out a Cyberman Instant-Death Laser-Gun from her bag and blasted the Cybermen into smithereens, but no sooner had she done that than ANOTHER battalion of Cybermen entered the hall, and these had Anti-Cyberman Instant-Death Laser-Gun-Shields. But by now, Kasumi had gotten into the flow of taking full advantage of her resources, so she pulled out an Anti-Anti-Cyberman Instant-Death Laser-Gun-Shield-Gun and blasted the Cybermen's shields away before finishing them off with the first gun. She then consulted her Dad-Radar which told her to run into the corridor to the right, so she did.

* * *

In the corridor she saw that yet another battalion of books was charging straight towards her with swords and spears and bows and stuff. She sped up her running, and turned to the side, running right past them by dashing up the wall and across the ceiling before getting right back on the ground once she had passed the books by. At the end of the corridor she found a spiral staircase leading to the third floor and an elevator that would take her straight to the throne room where her dad was being kept.

Naturally, since Kasumi was led by Flawless Logic (TM), she chose the stairs.

There were more books at the top of the stairs, and they sent gigantic rocks rolling down the stairs. Kasumi pulled Spider-Man's web-shooters out of the bag and swung right over the gigantic rocks. Then, when the books decided to use magic to blow the staircase up outright, Kasumi pulled out a hoverboard and flew right back up to the top of the now blow-up stairs before using said hoverboard to beat the crap out of the books just for the heck of it.

* * *

Meanwhile on the outside Kiyoshi and Steve? were standing around being bored. Well, mostly. I mean the music was cool, but Kiyoshi at least was really getting kinda grumpy about being left out of the action entirely. Of course, Steve? perfectly accepted it because he was Steve?.

Then they looked up and saw Kasumi coming out through a door to a balcony on the third floor.

"So how's it going?" Kiyoshi called to her.

"It's going great. Just a few more floors to go," Kasumi responded.

And then a swarm of dragons and fairies and ghosts and birds and nuclears came flying out from the windows of the fifth floor, and headed straight for Kasumi.

"Need any help?" Kiyoshi called.

"Nah, I'm good," Kasumi said.

Kiyoshi just rolled his eyes at her nonchalance and decided to join the fight anyway. He fired a bunch of arrows at the wall of the castle in rapid succession, creating a stairway made of arrows for him and Steve? to climb up to the third floor with.

"Let's go," he said.

"But Kiyoshi, Kasumi told us to stay put!" Steve? said.

Kiyoshi gave him his trademark "Are you fucking kidding me"-look. Steve? then reconsidered his stance and came along anyway.

So they reached the third floor and Kiyoshi skillfully dodged Kasumi's attempt at punching him for not doing as she said, and then he said "Alright, I'll handle the 3000 on the right, Steve? handle the 3000 in the middle, and Kasumi, you'll take out the 3000 on the left."

"Are you kidding me? I could easily take out at least 5000 of them on my own," Kasumi reasoned with Flawless Logic (TM).

"…Okay, if you say so," Kiyoshi said.

Kasumi then took out an Erase-5000-Enemies-From-Existence-inator from her bag and instantly erased 5000 of their enemies from existence.

"You know… Your bag is slightly overpowered," Kiyoshi said.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Kasumi said as she pulled out an Extremely Specific Nuclear Blaster which would envelop its target in a nuclear explosion but leave everything other than the target completely unharmed. Unfortunately one of the fairies swiped the blaster out of her hands and used it to kill Steve? with.

Thankfully as always he just respawned back in his bed, and earlier while Kasumi was storming the lower floors, Kiyoshi had suggested that he craft a bed right next to the books' castle. So Steve? simply respawned there and made it back to the battlefield in like two seconds.

Also the Extremely Specific Nuclear Blaster only had one shot so the fairy couldn't use it again. Steve? promptly murdered the fairy with his diamond sword.

* * *

Since Kasumi had already killed her allotted 5000 enemies, she had decided to sit out the rest of the battle, and so while Kiyoshi and Steve? were fighting for their lives to defeat the remaining 4000, she was sitting in a corner reading a My Little Pony comic. Unfortunately her 5000 enemies did not include the 500 nuclears that were headed for them and they couldn't really _attack_ those, so Kiyoshi and Steve? were a bit nervous really.

"Kasumi! Could you do something about those nuclears?!" Kiyoshi said.

"Huh? But I already killed over half the enemies we were fighting! I thought you _wanted_ some time in the spotlight!" Kasumi whined like a girl whose friends were making unreasonable and contradictory requests.

"Well we can't very well _kill_ nuclears, now can we?!" Kiyoshi said.

"Oh okay fine then," Kasumi said and pulled out an Anti-Nuclear-Beem-Blastah by Kewl Industries, and Anti-Nucleared the nuclears to get rid of them. Then she got back to reading her comic and laughing at the awkwardness of Teen-Cadance and Shining Armor.

And so the battle continued for a while with Kiyoshi and Steve? fighting off all the enemies without ever getting hurt themselves and then all the enemies were dead. In the meantime Kasumi had read three more comics.

"Alright, now it's time to get this DONE!" she said, and pulled a jetpack out of her bag and flew up to the seventh floor, which was where her dad was being kept.

"But then why didn't you do that in the first pl… you know what, never mind. It's probably some stupid Flawless Logic (TM) reason anyway," Kiyoshi said.

Kasumi crashed in through the window and found herself in the throne room. The leader of the books was sitting on the throne, and on the wall to the left he had Kasumi's father strapped up to some evil machine doing evil things.

"I see you finally made it here," the book said.

"That's right! Now I'm going to free my father, defeat you and end this whole thing!" Kasumi declared.


	6. 6 - The Truth is revealed :D

**CHAPTER 6**

_The Truth is Revealed :D_

AN: This is it. The final chapter in which all your questions will be explained at last. Why is Kasumi such a weirdo?! Why is the world itself so utterly nuts?! What do the books want with Kasumi's father?! Why is this listed as a My Little Pony fanfic when there are so many other references in this story that have gotten much more screentime?! Why are there sentient evil books in the first place?! ...Okay so that last one isn't really answered. I just thought, what would be a really random thing to put as the bad guy of the story? And the answer I came up with was "sentient books". Well anyway, epic conclusion time.

* * *

"I'm impressed you managed to get around all of our ingenious traps," the book said. "I thought for sure using your father's magic would allow us to stop you long ago."

"Well you forgot to account for one thing…" Kasumi said. "Me, Kiyoshi and Steve? were all guided by the power of… **_STUFF THAT STARTS WITH THE LETTER B!_**"

"What."

Kasumi and the book-leader were dramatically circling each other while Kasumi's dad was hanging unconscious hooked up to the book's evil magic-draining device.

Kasumi explained "Well we all had our brains and bravery, I had my bag, Kiyoshi had his bow, Steve? had his blade of diamonds… But there is one much more important B that I have not even dared speak out loud, because you might catch on and do something about it if I did, but by now I don't see how it can hurt me, so…" Kasumi ranted like a painfully non-genre-savvy villain even though she's the hero of the story.

The book was immediately preparing to think of a way to use this unknown element against her.

"The final B is… My **_BONDS WITH MY FATHER!_**" Kasumi dramatically finished.

"What?! But Mayor Discord has been chained up to my magic-draining device the whole time! How could he have helped you in any way?!"

"Eh, clever planning mostly. I mean he did give me the bag that holds everything. And I'm pretty sure the random shit wasn't _your_ idea," Kasumi said.

"Random shit? So _that's_ what happened to the massive army of evil dudes we had planted under the mountain. We had planned for them to ambush and brutally murder all of you while you were under the effect of our Anti-Everything Spell," the book exposited.

"Yeah well you probably should have used that Anti-Everything Spell on this castle instead!" Kasumi said.

"Oh but we have! Haven't you noticed how you couldn't pull Discord out of your bag that holds everything? That was because we had placed an Anti-Everything Spell on _him!_" the book exposited some more.

"Yeah, yeah, I figured as much. Still though, by leaving the rest of the castle unguarded, you have left yourself wide open for my secret ultimate weapon!" Kasumi said.

"Secret ultimate weapon? Oh please, I can clearly see that you're not carrying anything," the book said.

"…Hang on a second," Kasumi said and jumped out the window back down to the third floor balcony where Kiyoshi and Steve? were still hanging out.

"Hey Kiyoshi, mind if I borrow your stare?" she asked.

"Suit yourself, _you're_ the one insisting that only you are allowed to use your own character-ticks," Kiyoshi said.

"Thanks," Kasumi said before jetpacking her way back up to the seventh floor again and giving the book an "Are you fucking kidding me"-look.

"Did you just forget while formulating that sentence, that we were discussing my _bag that holds everything_? Of course I have a secret ultimate weapon in my bag!" Kasumi said.

Then the book-leader stole Kasumi's bag.

"Oh noes! Now I can't use my secret ultimate weapon!" Kasumi screamed über-loudly as the book laughed.

"Indeed! What's more, now I can do this!" the book said and pulled out a potion that would make him ten times bigger and more powerful and agile and so on and so forth. And only then did Kasumi notice exactly who it was she was up against.

"No… You can't be…" she said in horror as the book took off his completely gray and nondescript dust-cover, which had so far concealed his true identity.

"Indeed, it is I, the complete dictionary of everything ever! Fear my massive page-count and weight!" the dictionary said as he drank the potion and became ten times bigger and more powerful and more agile and so on and so forth. Oh and it also gave him arms and legs. So that was also kinda inconvenient for Kasumi. He was holding on tight to Kasumi's bag still.

She then ran over to the window she had jumped in and out of several times by now and called to Kiyoshi and Steve?, "Hey guys, this douchebag book just stole my bag! Could you lend me your weapons?!"

"K," said Steve? and threw his diamond sword straight at Kasumi, failing to account for the fact that this could very easily lead to her becoming severely injured or possibly dead. Thankfully his aim was terrible so the sword flew right past her and somehow went into the throne room, flew through the air and stabbed the dictionary in the little toe.

Kiyoshi on the other hand took a more careful and calculated approach to lending Kasumi his weapon. He fired arrows at the wall again, making another stairway of arrows before running up to the seventh floor and just handing his bow and remaining arrows (he'd brought a lot of arrows) to her.

"Thanks again," Kasumi said before then running over to the dictionary who was still freaking out over the pain in his toe and pulled the diamond sword out of said toe. Then she prepared to fight by DUAL-WIELDING WEAPONS WITH THE DIAMOND SWORD IN ONE HAND AND KIYOSHI'S BOW IN THE OTHER!

Sadly she failed to account for the fact that she needed both hands to use the bow so that was kind of a stupid idea. The dictionary then proceeded to smack her into the wall.

"Hahahaha, behold my amazing power (that I stole from Discord)!" The dictionary said as he flipped through his pages till he reached the entry on the Ringwraiths from The Lord of the Rings and had them all materialize in the throne room. Kasumi, however, was unimpressed.

"You already did this when we were in the Minecraft-world, remember?"

"Yeah, and when last I checked you were powerless in that situation," The dictionary said.

"Point," Kasumi said and started running around screaming with the nine Ringwraiths chasing her. Thankfully they seemed to have a distinctly one-track mind when it came to this sorta thing because really, with nine of them and one of her it would have been very easy for them to cut her off, but no, all of them stayed behind her and tried to catch up to her that way. And Kasumi was running stupidly fast.

"Wait, this isn't really getting us anywhere is it?" Kasumi said and then she checked the diamond sword a bit more carefully and found that it had the Smite-enchant on it which would probably make it very effective against Ringwraiths. So she stopped and turned around to face them.

"Surrender the Ring!" the Witch King said.

"Uh, I don't really have any rings… I have a necklace though. It's really pretty. Do you want it?" Kasumi said, distracting the Witch King's attention with a plan devised through Flawless Logic (TM) giving her the chance to walk up to him and stab him to death… or whatever you call it when an undead being is destroyed… while he was admiring the pretty necklace she had pointed out that she had.

The rest of the Ringwraiths then freaked out because their leader was dead or something and so they all committed seppuku and also died or something along those lines.

"Right, now that I have defeated your Ringwraiths, give me back my bag!" Kasumi demanded.

"Now why would I do that?" The dictionary said as he summoned a nonillion Orcs.

"See, why couldn't you just have demanded a hundred nonillion dollars in exchange for Dad instead? At least that's actually a number. I couldn't pay the ransom of one hundred zillion dollars because what even is that anyway?" Kasumi said.

The dictionary gave her an "Are you fucking kidding me"-look before saying "…I never intended to free Discord anyway! Which is why I made a demand even_ you_ couldn't meet!"

"Gasp!" Kasumi said. "You diabolical…" She clenched her fists.

"…dishonest…" She bitchslapped one octillion Orcs to death in one simple motion.

"…really bad at your job…" She trampled the floor so hard that it started to crumble and yet another octillion Orcs fell to their deaths because the floor beneath them gave way.

"…cowardly…" She threw Steve?'s diamond sword off in a random direction and it impaled one octillion more Orcs.

"…completely illogical…" Another two octillion Orcs' brains exploded from the sheer hypocrisy of the completely insane daughter of Discord calling someone illogical.

"…cheap-shot of a…" She jumped into the air and fired arrows at another two octillion Orcs using her feet instead of her arms for no apparent reason.

"…surprisingly generic…" Two octillion more Orcs just spontaneously died.

"…little…" One septillion nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine sextillion nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine quintillion nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine quadrillion nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine trillion nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine billion nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine million nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine thousand nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine Orcs just plain ran away scared and now there was only one left.

"…**_DOUCHEBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!_**" she yelled louder than she had ever yelled anything before and the one remaining Orc went deaf but charged at her anyway. Kasumi too charged towards the dictionary, punching the last remaining Orc straight into the evil magic-stealing machine her father was connected to causing it to explode and also waking Mayor Discord up from his unconscious state. She continued running forward, leapt up and punched the dictionary so hard in the face that his fancy hardcover, made fancier than ever due to the magic potion, cracked and broke and then the effect of the potion wore off and now he was just regular the dictionary again. Kasumi then took her bag right back and stepped back to get ready to use her secret ultimate weapon.

"Hahahaha, you think that was all it took to defeat me?!" the dictionary said, as suddenly the wall behind him opened and out of it, _ten nonillion_ books came rushing, all armed to the spine with guns and swords and lightsabers and shurikens and rubber-bands.

Kasumi smirked. "Well no, but I do think that you are all pretty much screwed now," she said, as she pulled out her secret ultimate weapon.

All the books stared in shock and despair as they saw what Kasumi's weapon was, and they all said their prayers realizing that they were now well and truly screwed. Yes, for in Kasumi's arms, at this very moment, she was holding… a preposterously massive flamethrower.

"Dad!" Kasumi shouted.

"Yes dear?" Discord said.

"You might wanna get out of the way," Kasumi said.

"Of course," Discord said and teleported behind Kasumi where he conjured up a comfy chair, a box of popcorn and some soda. "This is going to be good," he said.

Kasumi then pulled the trigger on her preposterously massive flamethrower, engulfing the entire throne-room in fire. Except for the spot where she and Discord were. Discord used his reality-warping powers to make that one part of the room pleasantly cool instead. And so the books were all screaming in pain as they died horribly in the biggest book-burning in the history of the world. (Author's note I really do not have anything against books, honestly.)

"Thanks for the help Kasumi, dear," Discord said.

"Yeah and thanks for the bag that holds everything Dad, it really came in handy," Kasumi said and they hugged.

"Oh, you know, I had figured this would happen sooner or later," Discord said.

"Fair enough," Kasumi said.

Then they exited what was formerly the books' castle except that the book-burning had melted the entire thing and so now there was just one giant pile of molten rocks and Steve? had died again but it was okay because his bed next to thecastle was unharmed so he just respawned and then he went home. Kiyoshi had narrowly escaped death with only severe injuries and was sitting on the concert stage where Kalafina had provided musical accompaniment earlier but now they had gone home.

"Oh hi Kiyoshi. Looking kind of terrible there, huh. Here, have a band-aid," Kasumi said and threw him a band-aid and then he went home.

"Huh. What an ungrateful douchebag," Kasumi said and then they went home.


End file.
